on top of this self-loathing that comes from my unproductiveness I add the more mundane disappointments of the daily stay at home life. For example, today I did laundry, played a little bit with the kids, and devoted entirely too much time to finishing a novel that wasn't all that good in the first place, but mostly I just dinked around. Dinking around does not make me feel good and is one of the traps that I commonly fall in to. There is nothing new about it and it always leaves me feeling a few steps further behind on the path to accomplishing my "goals". Whatever they may be. It is much easier to pick up the remote or laptop and wile away the hours than it is to press on in my un-inspired forehead/pounding/keyboard routine that has been my story as of late. Also, always present with me is the small voice that says "you are simply lacking". I generally tie this lacking feeling to the fact that I stay at home. I do not contribute to the bills although I do pay them. I am not continuing my education or receiving helpful vocational training for when I prepare to re-enter the work force.What is it though, that ties a part of my self worth to my "output" in life? I keep thinking perhaps I should have been born in a third world country, making my own food and clothes and eaking out an existence from the bare essentials. Then I might be truly appreciative of the luxury afforded me as a stay at home mom. For the most part, I do feel it is a luxury. Perhaps one that I take advantage of however. hmmm.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
REAL LIFE
real life is hard. dreams and ambitions are difficult to realize, they give me moments of heady expectation that inevitably spiral into self-loathing unproductiveness. I can't help it. I get fired up and begin something, reach a seeming impasse, and then slowly let my drive to create dwindle to nothing as I think to myself better luck next time. I'm tired of it. I keep trying to find "inspiration". I currently have two songs in progress, with a goal of five by November, yet I am completely stuck on them with no real light at the end of the tunnel. I am not opposed to help with them, in fact collaborating is one of my favorite things because in my opinion, shared influences usually turn out better than a solo point of view. However, I feel I must forge ahead on my own for the time being and really prove the old adage that if at first you don't succeed. . .
on top of this self-loathing that comes from my unproductiveness I add the more mundane disappointments of the daily stay at home life. For example, today I did laundry, played a little bit with the kids, and devoted entirely too much time to finishing a novel that wasn't all that good in the first place, but mostly I just dinked around. Dinking around does not make me feel good and is one of the traps that I commonly fall in to. There is nothing new about it and it always leaves me feeling a few steps further behind on the path to accomplishing my "goals". Whatever they may be. It is much easier to pick up the remote or laptop and wile away the hours than it is to press on in my un-inspired forehead/pounding/keyboard routine that has been my story as of late. Also, always present with me is the small voice that says "you are simply lacking". I generally tie this lacking feeling to the fact that I stay at home. I do not contribute to the bills although I do pay them. I am not continuing my education or receiving helpful vocational training for when I prepare to re-enter the work force.What is it though, that ties a part of my self worth to my "output" in life? I keep thinking perhaps I should have been born in a third world country, making my own food and clothes and eaking out an existence from the bare essentials. Then I might be truly appreciative of the luxury afforded me as a stay at home mom. For the most part, I do feel it is a luxury. Perhaps one that I take advantage of however. hmmm.
Obviously I am still completely obsessed with my quest to find domestic/business bliss. A way to make a name for myself while doing pretty much nothing but watching children at home. Ha, I am going to bed laughing at myself. That is better than crying I suppose. Oh look. GLEE is on. . . . .
on top of this self-loathing that comes from my unproductiveness I add the more mundane disappointments of the daily stay at home life. For example, today I did laundry, played a little bit with the kids, and devoted entirely too much time to finishing a novel that wasn't all that good in the first place, but mostly I just dinked around. Dinking around does not make me feel good and is one of the traps that I commonly fall in to. There is nothing new about it and it always leaves me feeling a few steps further behind on the path to accomplishing my "goals". Whatever they may be. It is much easier to pick up the remote or laptop and wile away the hours than it is to press on in my un-inspired forehead/pounding/keyboard routine that has been my story as of late. Also, always present with me is the small voice that says "you are simply lacking". I generally tie this lacking feeling to the fact that I stay at home. I do not contribute to the bills although I do pay them. I am not continuing my education or receiving helpful vocational training for when I prepare to re-enter the work force.What is it though, that ties a part of my self worth to my "output" in life? I keep thinking perhaps I should have been born in a third world country, making my own food and clothes and eaking out an existence from the bare essentials. Then I might be truly appreciative of the luxury afforded me as a stay at home mom. For the most part, I do feel it is a luxury. Perhaps one that I take advantage of however. hmmm.
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2 comments:
Oh, momma! *hugs* Don't be so hard on yourself! You ARE contributing - you're raising well-adjusted and happy children with a strong sense of family. In my opinion, that is one of the most important jobs a mother can have, so chin up!
thanks chesh. I wasn't at school for trinity's end of year party but I guess that when they were telling the class what they wanted to be when they grew up trinity was the only one that said she wanted to be a mommy. *sniff* =)
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