Treasures from the summer - pt 2

When my birthday came around this June my sweet friends and I headed out for my usual (by usual I mean 2nd annual) birthday dinner. This time they surprised me with wonderful book selections off of my "buy me a book" board on Pinterest. I also scored some itunes money which I LOVE. I discovered a new band this summer called the Staves. Three sisters making sweet harmony. Secular but not fluffy; somewhere between folk and indie rock. I dig them. Anywhoo, one of the books chosen was the Christianity Today book of the year for 2015 written by Jen Pollock Michel and it is titled teach us to want.  By page 18 I was folding corners and calling my sister. I got the sense this book could be life altering in the way a conversion experience is. You just don't see things the same way after. Sometimes a book does that. Sticks to your insides like oatmeal. The funny thing is I started it on vacation, got about 50 pages in and haven't picked it up again. This is going to be the triumph of my fall if I can finish this book with due diligence. It provides these amazing soul searching questions that I get mad at the minute I read them because I don't have a small group to hash them out with. I CRAVE lively discussion over these matters. It is basically a practical theology of desire. While I still haven't gotten farther in the book (fall starts tomorrow people, I've got time to meet my goal) I have been working my way through Beth Moore's book Audacious. Again, I find themes weaving and paralleling through the books I've been dabbling in. One of the main things is the idea of maintaining a stillness of soul and body in the swirl of everyday life. Here I come across the idea so precious from Gift of the Sea  in my current book Teach us to Want :
    "I want to write, I am also a fixed point in my spinning sphere of domesticity. There are lunches to pack, dinners to plan, socks to pair. There are carpool obligations and clarinet lessons. My pressing responsibilities as wife and mother will not be ignored. Neither, however, will the petulance of writing be eternally put off. Like Madeleine L'Engle, who reflects in Circle of Quiet about the inevitable tug-of-war between her artistic life and her domestic one, I feel fragmented between my two lives, torn by a reflexive self-recrimination when I want, even need, to create space for the quiet work of reading and writing."
 Again I come across this idea of needing solitude and of having a creative work that feeds you.
 Now here is a funny thing. Last year I read the wrinkle in time trilogy for the first time and LOVED it. There are like ten more books in the same series I need to get around to and now that I know the author has one about herself and her writing process I'm inspired to get ALL of them on the hold list at the library. Of course that is a pipe dream because now that school is in full swing I barely have a MINUTE to even sit down and write this! Still, very excited to read Circle of Quiet down the road. Tied to the solitude idea is what? The aspect of desire. Here we find the intersection between Jen and Beth's books. I can't wait to see how Jen applies what I've read in the beginning of her book to practical life and our own desires, (for better or worse) but the essence so far is this: to be human is to desire.
  It is primal and for Jen it meets the road of faith here: "The gospel of Jesus Christ meets our holy hesitations about desire, without eliminating the tension or minimizing the dangers, yet suggesting it can be reformed." Newness of life through faith in Christ can also mean newness in desire. God promised through the prophet Ezekial, "I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, that they may walk in my statutes and keep my rules and obey them." So. What do we do with want/desire? Is there any precedent for a desire that is holy?  If I believe in a creative God that fashioned me in His image than desire must have a function and a purpose, yes? First I offer this from Beth's book as a starting ground for talking about desire. It is what I personally have been ruminating on. While it might seem off topic the first quote speaks to my current state of being.
    "Many of our perils are deeply personal and out of public sight. We've each faced situations and circumstances we were not sure we could emotionally survive."
   On my worst of days that is currently where I am at. Knowing that, I am humbled by the next quote "He knows the immensity of the treasures He tucked away down inside of us in a place that can only be tapped by turmoil. God knows precisely how He has gifted us and to what unfathomable degree He empowered us through His own Holy Spirit. He knows the minutest detail how thoroughly He has equipped us. God cannot be conned. He requires no proof to quell His own curiosity. Confusion is human, not divine. God knows exactly how real or pretentious our faith is. But we don't. That's the thing. Neither do the people in our homes, our workplaces, our churches, our social environments, or our spheres of influence. Neither do angels or demons.. . .God tests us to bring out the real in us. For Crying out loud, He tests us to prove us genuine to ourselves, the last ones to usually know!"
     Here Beth addresses the fallback that I usually turn to when trying to work out my own salvation. . ."Discipline won't do this for us. Discipline can make us more Christlike but it cannot make us love Christ more. We will never love Him just because we need to. We will only love Him audaciously because we want to." -It was after this line I had penciled in "DESIRE". Finally, she just says it straight out. "WE were created out of divine desire FOR divine desire. God did not fashion us from the dust because He needed us. He created us because He wanted us." and again "God's will is DRIVEN by desire". Here I have penciled in teach us to want . Over and over these books have connected dots for me. Beth exhorts that we have been created and called according to His will. "He who desires us longs for us to desire Him" she says.  I am blown away to look at all humanity in that light. They are right. Discipline does not replace desire. Desire is not utterly destroyed by sin, but retains it's divine motivational force, and lastly, I can ask for more.  Faith and desire are not mutually exclusive. "I believe, help my unbelief" said the grieving father in the scriptures. We know what's true but we desire to experience it, to be immersed in it, and to more deeply understand it. . .through all the seasons of life.

treasures from the summer - pt. 1

I'd love to share a little from the heart if I may. Family dynamics as usual are pushing me to examine myself. I have never been one to keep a journal. I have a few solid months of writing through each pregnancy just because it was such a special time and I felt very motivated to remember it but each time it peters off and the full term is not represented. It's also very dreamy and silly seeming now, although I dare to hope it might be meaningful to the child it was written for at some point in their life. (If I ever give it to them!) Outside of those few times I have miserably failed to maintain a journal. Journaling is a practice I truly admire. It is like buried treasure, tucked away and known only to one until at some point it is dug up again and shared with all and the beauty takes your breath away. When I think of scripture in such a manner I marvel that I do not gobble it up so voraciously as I do my favorite autobiographies. However before I get on a rabbit trail I want to return to the point of this post. In the past I have treated this blog as a journal of sorts. A diary. At it's best I have created witty banter and a few heartfelt moments of wisdom.  But I have also aired frustrations with spouse and children, given anecdotal stories and snarky commentary on the everyday life of "moi", and got a little personal with the struggles we face. I love sharing the nitty gritty of family life because it is after all the most trans-formative thing a person can experience. I was discussing this issue with my sister the other day. Very badly did I want to lay some things out on the blog that are very personal to my family. It felt liberating to consider sharing our truth. Our story. MY STORY. There was however a gentle tugging on my conscience.  I took just a few days to pray a bit about it. This story was perfectly timed. http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/07/29/why-i-decided-to-stop-writing-about-my-children/?_r=0
and gave me excellent food for thought. Ultimately I too, should be able to find things to write about from within and without that does not require sacrificing any aspect of family privacy or priviledge. Showing honor to my husband and children means respecting that their story is theirs. Will Blake, Trinity. or Isaac look back and thank me? I don't know, after all I've already written quite openly about them so maybe it's too late for that. In light of this change of heart, which I do believe is the better part of wisdom for the time being, I am left with only myself to offer as the open book. Can I share a few gems with you that have spoken to me over the past couple of months? Early in the summer I began Gift from the Sea. A wonderful little book by Mrs. Lindbergh. Yes, that Lindbergh. She had this to offer and I was in desperate need of it. . . .
"For it is the spirit of woman that is going dry, not the mechanics that are wanting. Mechanically woman has gained in the past generation. Certainly in America, our lives are easier, freer, more open to opportunities, thanks among other things to the feminist battles. A room of ones own, the hour alone are now more possible in wider economic class than ever before. but these hard-won prizes are insufficient because we have not yet learned how to use them. The feminists did not look that far ahead; they laid down no rules for conduct. For them it was enough to demand the privileges. The exploration of their use, as in all pioneer movements, was left open to the woman who would follow. And woman today is still searching. We are aware of our hunger and needs but still ignorant of what will satisfy them. With out garnered free time, we are more apt to drain our creative springs than to refill them. With our pitchers, we attempt sometimes to water a field, not a garden. We throw ourselves indiscriminately into committees and causes. Not knowing how to feed the spirit, we try to muffle it's demands in distractions. Instead of stilling the center, the axis of the wheel, we add more centrifugal activities to our lives - which tend to throw us off balance. Mechanically we have gained, in the last generation but spiritually we have, I think, unwittingly lost. In other times, woman had in their lives more forces centered them whether or not they realized it; sources which nourished them whether or not they consciously went to these springs. Their vary seclusion in the home gave them time alone. Contemplative drawing together of the self. They had more creative tasks to perform. Nothing feed the  center so much as creative work, even humble kinds like cooking and sewing. Baking bread, weaving cloth, putting up preserves, reaching and singing to children, must have been far more nourishing than being the family chauffeur or shopping at supermarkets, or doing housework has diminished; much of the time-consuming drudgery - despite modern advertising to the contrary - remains. In housework, as in the the rest of life, the curtain of mechanization has come down between the mind and the hand.
 The church too, has always been a great centering force for women. Through what ages woman have had that quiet hour, free from interruption, to draw themselves together. No wonder woman has been the mainstay of the church. Here were the advantages of the room of her own, the time alone, the quiet, the peace, all rolled into one and sanctioned by the approval of both family and community. Here no one could intrude with a careless call, "Mother," "Wife," "Mistress," Here, finally and more deeply, woman was whole, not split into a thousand functions. She was able to give herself completely in that hour in worship, in prayer, in communion, and b completely accepted. And in that acceptance she was renewed; the springs were refilled.The church is still a great centering force for men and women, more needed than ever before - as its message as they used to be? Our daily life does not prepare us for contemplation. How can a single weekly hour of church, helpful as it may be, counteract the many daily hours of distraction that surround it? If we had our contemplative hour at home we might be readier to give ourselves at church and find ourselves more completely renewed. For the need for renewal is still there. The desire to be accepted whole, the desire to be seen as an individual, not as a collection of functions, the desire to give oneself completely and purposefully pursues us always, and has its part in pushing us into more and more distractions, illusory love affairs or the haven of hospitals and doctor's offices.
The answer is not in going back, in putting woman in the home and giving her the broom and the needle again. A number of mechanical aids save us time and energy. But neither is the answer in dissipating our time and energy in more purposeless occupations, more accumulations which supposedly simplify life but actually burden it, more possessions which we have the time to use or appreciate, more diversion to fill up the void. . .She will be shattered into a thousand pieces. On the contrary, she must consciously encourage those pursuits which oppose the centrifugal forces of today. Quite time alone, contemplation, prayer, music, a centering line of thought or reading, of study or work. It can be physical or intellectual or artistic, any creative life proceeding from oneself. It need not be an enormous project or a great work. But it should be something of one's own."

I pondered this passage for a few weeks. I resonate so much with it. We do have an "easier" life and yet we can't seem to pull ourselves together. There is a desperate need for solitude and it is near impossible to find it in the American culture. I feel it. I suffer from it.
Also the idea that church not be that one time we achieve the protected sacred space but rather the rest of the week I should practice what the church has long provided. Sanctuary. Even if only in my mind and heart. That axis of the wheel that must learn stillness while the rest of the moving parts spin around it.
That I should have something of my own. I really felt this as call to spend time in songwriting again. Perhaps as an act of devotion.
Also, I need to ditch facebook. . . . . . . ..... .

Good Friday Reflections

A few weeks ago I was reading an article in Christianity Today about how we have lost the emphasis on the apocalyptic aspect of Christ on the cross. How atonement was not the only thing attained in that act but also the utter defeat of evil. A cosmic battle that is won in advance but must still be waged. "O death where is your sting?" is the ultimate cry. It encompasses both the fact that our sins have been washed away and the knowledge that death has been defeated. I found myself nodding along to the article pleased to find a fresh perspective for the upcoming Good Friday service. Let me share some of the best parts of the article by Fleming Rutledge in the March issue. Granted it would be better could you read the whole thing here: http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2016/march/why-did-jesus-choose-cross.html?start=5

  "Jesus comes knowing the entire world is in the grip of a demonic power, an enemy of God’s purposes. He knows that this Enemy will oppose him at every turn. He knows he will have to come to an apocalyptic confrontation with this Enemy, that he will have to grapple with it, suffer from it, die under its power, and then conquer it.

It’s important mainly because it’s in the New Testament. But it also gives us language to talk about the world. In my book, I quote secular scholars who admit that we are at a bit of a loss about how to talk about radical evil if we do not have a concept of an active, personal intelligence set against God.

An apocalyptic interpretation is exactly what we need, because it takes so seriously the situation we find ourselves in—wars and rumors of wars. If I believe my personal struggles are part of a great and mighty cosmic work of God, that gives me hope and courage and strength. My little contribution to the battle against Satan and all his works means something. It’s part of my discipleship. Writing or saying something to combat the dreadful mood in our country right now, the demonizing of everybody and everything—even the smallest statement or action taken against that is the work of the end time.

We have seen the end time in Jesus Christ. The love of God cannot be defeated. That’s what we see in the Crucifixion and the Resurrection. If you just have the Resurrection, then you have no sense of anything being defeated. You have no sense of Jesus having taken anything on. In the Crucifixion, Jesus has taken on everything satanic, everything evil, everything demonic, everything sinful, everything wrong. In the Resurrection we see that he has been vindicated and that his victory is complete."

For some reason this invigorated me and got my gears turning. Then I read a wonderful blog post by a friend's daughter that really brought out for me the opposite aspect of this take on the crucifixion. That can be read here: https://daphrose.wordpress.com/2016/03/20/the-cross-is-not-the-climax/ by the way what fun that I can learn from and ponder from what a young woman of sixteen has to offer. Wonderful insights from Daphne:

"Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross is crucial to our faith, but if He hadn’t risen again, we wouldn’t be able to have faith at all. If He hadn’t risen, He was only a mortal man–He had no power to save. The cross was Him waging war against death. He challenged death and won.

The cross is not the climax of the story of Jesus. It’s the darkest moment; it’s defeat.

Our victory comes through the resurrection. Our debt for sin is death. We deserve death. Jesus willingly took on death for us. His actions on the cross are what save us. But if He had only died, then He didn’t really do anything. Our faith is pointless."

This made me stop and think is there really a difference of meaning between the cross and the resurrection? Do they need to be separated so completely or are they part of one single great act that cannot be compartmentalized into this, then that, then this?  Is it one great three day long moment of redemption? I think Daphne struggles a little with contradicting her own self in parts of her post. For example "The cross was Him waging war against death. He challenged death and won" would seem to contradict her earlier statements that death won in that moment on the cross. When she says it was the darkest moment however, she is right. I totally get what she meant and where she was coming from and it brought me up short after having jumped enthusiastically into the train of thought of the first article all about the triumphant defeat of darkness. Then perusing my twitter feeds I came across this article: http://www.ligonier.org/blog/it-accurate-say-god-died-cross/

while this article responds to a particular question it fits right in with all the questions and thoughts that were already taking up brain space these past weeks. This article discusses what it means that Christ died on the cross and two heresies that arose from the line of thought that God himself died on the cross. Here is an excerpt from a Ligioniere Ministry's blog post:

"In fact, two such heresies related to this problem arose in the early centuries of the church: theopassianism and patripassianism. The first of these,theopassianism, teaches that God Himself suffered death on the cross.Patripassianism indicates that the Father suffered vicariously through the suffering of His Son. Both of these heresies were roundly rejected by the church for the very reason that they categorically deny the very character and nature of God, including His immutability. There is no change in the substantive nature or character of God at any time." . . .also this "It’s the God-man Who dies, but death is something that is experienced only by the human nature, because the divine nature isn’t capable of experiencing death."

Okay so what stood out to me? Just how good God is. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost good.  Lets just say that the work of the cross got real personal for me last week leading up to Good Friday. Never have I experienced an Easter with a more immediate need to ponder what Christ means to me. It turns out that while all these similar-yet-different articles on the crucifixion were stretching my understanding and asking me to define some things more clearly for my own persuasions, the overarching feeling for me was praise. Praise that it even happened. Praise that something so ugly was, and is, and always will be an integral part of something so beautiful. And my heart leaped within me.  And suddenly it was enough to praise Him. It was EVERYTHING to praise Him. 

More on Keeping the Future In Mind

A little more on this thought. Here are some videos from Trinity's final elementary concert. Sniff. The future is coming way too fast.

Here are some videos from Blake's second grade concert as well. Of course being short mom I couldn't see him in any of them so I figured watching Isaac while listening was the next best thing. =)

I told Jeremy last night that when you are in the trenches sometimes you can't see that you are winning the war. I have been attempting to memorize a scripture every two weeks along with Beth Moore's SSMT (siesta sisters memory team). I didn't sign up for it officially or anything, I'm just using their schedule and enjoying knowing there are other ladies out there posting their new verses and why they chose them. The verses that have come to me have jumped out for different reasons. One was in a Lent devotional, one I just opened my bible and flipped until something made an impression on me. They all seemed very random but this week I wrote them all down on one sheet of paper. 

I'm noticing a theme in these. They are all very good for PARENTING. God is so faithful that even in my bible meanderings and divided attention between devotionals and studies, he pulls out things to meet my needs. Some of the most important things (big picture) I could train my children in are covered in these verses:

guarding your heart

humility

confession

prayer

rejoicing

Godly repentance

authority of scripture

blessings of faith

I have faith in God's good plan for my children even though I can't "see" their future.

Keeping this broader perspective of God's hand on them helps me to let go of the feeling that I am wholly accountable for their outcome. It's not about ME and my performance for crying out loud. 

Ah, wonderful, sweet, news. 

Encouraged

I'm feeling encouraged today. I'm continuing to "let go and let God" direct my spiritual life. Seeking small moments with Him and changing up how I spend my free time in order to stay more focused on Him. Some of the things He has laid on my heart is opening my prayer time with repetitions of the Lord's Prayer and the quote from St. Patricks Breastplate. 

and

 I have found these center my thoughts on The Lord and all He is and does. I must start here before I make my confessions. Then I move to my requests. Sometimes in the day the "arrow" prayers go up but I am working hard to not let that be the only way I come to the Lord in prayer. I am working on that meditative quiet time it takes to hear His still small voice. 

Another way I am encouraged is that almost a year after his diagnoses of ASD Isaac will finally be evaluated for ABA therapy on Wednesday! After his diagnoses in May of last year I just wanted to finish the school year out and enjoy the summer with the kids. I knew early intervention was important but I didn't feel a couple of months would make or break him. Then began our battle with our insurance who doesn't cover ABA therapies. Washington does no have mandated ABA coverage but it does have a mental parity law that can sometimes work to get it paid for. So after many phone-calls I join an advocacy group to get help in putting an appeal together and I speak with an AMAZING woman Keri D'Hondt who runs the clinic that Isaac will be working with. She tells me her clients use Group Health and I should get an individual plan. By this time it's September and I have to wait until Nov. 11th for open enrollment. Then it's the holidays so I say "forget it until January". January comes and I get the plan up and running but it doesn't begin until February. All this time I am trying to get my insurance to send me a proper letter of denial. February comes and I send in a referral for Leaps Forward, Keri's office. It's denied claiming Isaac does not have a proper diagnoses. I must appeal and send in the diagnoses paperwork and the letter of support from his diagnosing doctor, Dr. Reilly. 

FINALLY the appeal comes back LAST WEEK that we are approved! and then. . . .I call my insurance once again to demand the letter and they totally change their story. It is covered now. I am waiting for their autism team to call me to confirm and learn about benefits. It's been over a week. I'm not holding my breath. And so as amazing as it would be to drop the $170 dollar individual plan I am moving forward with his therapy under that policy and will work on clearing up my original insurance next week. I am thrilled to have this missing piece to the puzzle of Isaac solved. It may well affect what his next year looks like pre-school and speech therapy wise. I am just so thankful that God seems to know just how much I can handle. Still planning to get Trin to a specialist for some recommendations for her ADHD but reading a great book on it that is very helpful. Having three children with behavior issues is challenging and some days I feel like I'm just treading water but I know that God has a plan for each one and I try to rest in that. We have enrolled her in Classical Conversations for next year. That's a program I can do at home with her that has one "class" day a week. I pick the math and the language arts. I'm excited to have a "spine" to work off of for the year and I hope the constant repetition benefits her. Blake continues to struggle with his temper. Focus is becoming an issue for him at school as well. He is getting very similar reports to Trin at that age. I know I mentioned that in a previous post but no miraculous fixing of the issue yet, lol. Not sure what this means for the future. I have definitely slacked in praying for them lately. I really need to remedy that a.s.a.p. 

oh and in other news (just keeping it first world here) I finally purchased my first expensive handbag. I feel like a grownup now. Of course the seven years I had three babies and nine years I carried a daiper bag are really what made me a grown-up but I told Jer when we potty trained the last one that I was going to buy myself a NICE handbag. After months of searching for just the right one I found it. It's a cross body mini punk bag in black by Fredd and Basha and it smells so nice I just want to hug it. (uummmmm leather. . . .) Also noteworthy, Jeremy's lease was up on his Volt so he purchased a 2008 Dodge Charger after weeks of obsessing over cars on craigslist. Yay! Because to say he was obsessing over it really is an understatement.

Because HE IS - and how I'm finally ready to let go.

I've been thinking a lot about the cycle of the Isrealites of the OT. It began by walking with God with fervor then waning to compromise which always leads to outright rejection of the LORD. This cycle required discipline of devastating proportions at times but always resulted in restoration through mercy and grace because of God's covenant love. As a friend said in bible study small group, "I seem to follow this cycle on a smaller scale all throughout my life". I feel the same way. I feel close to the Lord, I desire His will to work in my life; until I get distracted, hard-hearted, and suddenly I am past that tipping point of compromise to outright sin in my life. Oh, maybe not adultery, or sacrificing to idols, but then again Jesus turned those commandments on their heads when he said to even look at someone with lust is adultery and to hate your brother is murder, so is their really a difference in God's eyes? There is no excuse. Then I am brought low, I repent, and for a while I find peace and joy in my walk, until something creeps in again. Complacency, dissatisfaction, you name it I have felt it. Is there anything more frustrating than to never be able to conquer my flesh? Who has not experienced this? To give in to that desire to press snooze on the alarm rather than to get up and focus on God in prayer. To justify ungodly influence because it's "normal" and "entertaining". To give up before you begin because you have only failed in the past? Praise the Lord that he restores us. (1 John 1:9) We are not bound by our flesh, but we will never be perfect either. I must stop trying to be. I must let GOD be perfect, and let CHRIST'S love overwhelm me. When I study a man like Nehemiah, who had such wisdom and discernment, it clearly stemmed from his faithful walk and prayer life. I am jealous. I say "I want that", and then I come to the realization that I will NEVER achieve the spiritual disciplines I desire unless God accomplishes them in me. I feel foolish for having an aha moment about this now. I understand that it does take self-discipline to have a steady prayer life and to daily be in the Word asking God to reveal himself to me but as I'm going through the LENT study at SHEREADSTRUTH.COM I have confessed and repented because the truth is, I have  always to some degree made my attempts at spiritual discipline about me. Bottom line is some part of me has always tried to do it in my own strength. And that makes me sad. Wasted time always makes me sad. HE must come first, there is no "if I could only" then surely (x) would follow. Praise be to Jesus that I can come to that realization, give it to my Lord and Savior, and begin again. But this time He has blessed me with the mind set that I will NEVER accomplish this in my own strength. I must simply make myself the vessel that HE can fill. There is nothing I can do but cry out to Him to give me the strength to clear my mind, set aside time for hearing from Him, and acting on what I learn in the time spend together. No. Christ Alone.The Holy Spirit must be my motivator and the Lord my daily portion I hope and pray that each day He will remind me of the place He deserves in my life and that I will respond accordingly. To God be the Glory.. 

Crazy Hair

Last night I took Trinity to the crazy hair tour. I wasn't sure if she would enjoy it because she shies away from big events where it will be too noisy. In fact, she had already asked me earlier in the day if it was too much if maybe we could just go shopping. I had to encourage her not to look for an out before it was even deemed necessary. We headed into Overlake and found a row at the VERY back, lol. They began the first song and Trinity immediately said she didn't like the noise. This level was NOT bad as far as concerts/performances goes, so I told her to hang in there and suddenly, SHE WAS HOOKED. The event talked about modesty, what does "normal" mean in today's society, and how does that align with what God tells us in His word. The girls were encouraged to share their biggest dislike about themselves with the Lord and then confess it to us moms so we could pray over them. That was a very special moment for Trinity and I. Of course the general lavishing of gifts pleased her as well. I bought her "crazy hair", a t-shirt, and a TWO dollar soda. Since when do vending machines get to charge us two dollars for a soda??? I was so proud of my little girl embracing these big girl concepts and seeking to honor God with her life even as young as she is. I was very concerned when they started a screaming contest between the pink and blue sides that it would be too much for Trinity but I was shocked when she just jammed her fingers in her ears and screamed right along! I NEVER thought that would be her response but the evening was peppered with "best night ever", "thank-you, thank-you", and "I want to stay here forever". Mommy and daughter went to bed with happy hearts.

here they had the girls only sing Jesus Love Me. =)

The Cross Changes Everything

Every time I study a book in the Old Testament I am struck by the contrast of it to the new testament. The other day I scribbled out a little illustration that followed my reflections. As we approach Good Friday I am amazed at how MUCH the cross changed things. Firstly, we must always have God at the center. N.T. or O.T. It all comes back to our creator, Father God. In the Old Testament, God is at the center and the Jews are on the outer circle. You might notice that I said *we in the diagram because I was thinking of believers today as being the same as believers in the O.T. but ultimately I would have been a gentile and one of the *others. Notice all the arrows go to the center. The culture of the Israelites was very "exclusive". Far from being inclusive, they had many rules to maintain their purity as a nation, including not intermarrying. In fact, some of the most disturbing parts of scripture, where the Jews are called to annihilate whole peoples as they took over the land, have something to do with this God-ordained purity. What was the point? Time and again foreign influence would lead them astray. The boundaries and the LAW that only the Jews observed were supposed to make them a beacon in a land of idol worship and moral degradation. Every aspect of their daily lives; the sacrifices, the worship, the feasts, were designed to point back to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Others who heard the power of "their" God were drawn like moths to the flame. Even foreign sinners such as Rahab the prostitute understood that the Jews served a living God, unlike any she had ever experienced of wood and stone. By putting her faith in Him she was saved during the destruction of her hometown. A city on a hill cannot be hidden and that is exactly what the nation of Isreal was. They were at times mighty, and other times captives and slaves, but God maintained the covenant bond between them. Everything about the nation of Israel focused in toward their God. 

Then Jesus came and everything changed. 

We know God himself does not change and that is a wonderful comfort because even in some of the more chaotic parts of the O.T. we see His love and grace shown over and over again to His chosen people. What does change though, is how he relates to the world. Suddenly, God sends His son right into the middle of our mess. The arrows from the inner circle of  God go back and forth now to us on the outer circle through the blood of Christ. Us - once the *others outside of the old covenant circle now have an intercessor  ,a mediator, that makes a way for us to God the Father. The most precious gift ever given can now be received and in the NEW covenant it is no longer about turning IN and shutting out, it is about turning OUT and sharing the righteousness we have been given with the whole world. The good news sends us out. God - Jesus - Us- The World! 

Spiritual Blessings in Christ:

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, 4 even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love 5 he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in heavenly realms. 7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, 8 which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight 9 making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ 10 as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

Ephesians 1:3-10

Death with Dignity

Last week my uncle passed away. He was a salesman/grocery store rep most of the time I knew him but who he really was was a loving devoted uncle that made beautiful furniture. I still have four of the pieces he made. I am loathe to get a new dining room table because every day we eat at the one he made. It's too small now that we are a family of five but it will never be gotten rid of. It will always have a place in my home. Over the last few years we have watched Jeremy's grandparents on his moms' side both pass on. His Grandpa died at home with the care of his wife and children. His Grandma went into the hospital for pneumonia and never came out, but her children were by her side the couple of months it took as she slowly declined. It was a difficult experience but they wouldn't trade it for that time of connection and loving and loss. In much the same manner my aunt has almost single-handedly cared for my Uncle as he withdrew more and more and became less and less himself. He suffered from Alzheimer disease. It wasn't easy to do this, I can't imagine the toll on her, but she finished the task. She was there as he breathed his last after a three day vigil. Her sons there as well and by her side as they said goodbye to my precious Uncle Jim. This picture is heartrending to me but also beautiful. We fear this process so much but it is inevitable. The last story I have is that of my paternal grandmother who cared for my grandfather for MONTHS only to leave the room for a moment and miss his passing. I don't know if that mattered or was even in the consciousness of my grandfather but to her I'm sure it must have been terrible. Surely it would be easier to support helping ending these lives; once these people become shells of themselves, and gasp with each breath. Wouldn't it be better to release them from the prison of their ravaged bodies. But if we truly examine ourselves as Christians, was there ever a time in our life where we saw great growth and spiritual vivacity, and everything in our world was perfect? Likely not. The way to growth is most often through suffering. Suffering breaks us. It confirms what we already ascribe to. . .that we can't have peace in this life on our own.  The fact remains that we suffer when we care for a loved one in their last days! However, in God's great mercy there is a purpose and an INCREDIBLE joy that awaits us if we hold fast through the process of a loved ones death. Romans 8 talks about this future joy and glory:

And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering.
 Rom 8:18
Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.
 Rom 8:19
For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are.
 Rom 8:20
Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope,
 Rom 8:21
the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay.

Understanding and experiencing suffering broadens the spectrum between our existence here on earth and our heavenly future. How much more meaningful the freedom from death and decay when we have been intimately involved with it? This is a chance to "suffer for Christ' sake" not in the usual sense of enduring persecution but in the very powerful act of laying down your life for another. Much time, energy, stress, and sacrifice go into caring for a loved one but with the strength of Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit, we make it a process that brings God glory.  Death with dignity becomes less to me about the will of the sick/dying (I don't want to be ignorant here, I know there are situations where the dying are one hundred percent aware as they approach death and entertain the option to end their life, nevertheless) and more about the loving actions of the family that take on the most demeaning of tasks with humility and a heart of service. Every moment might feel a nightmare but they resolutely act anyway. This is the part that brings warmth and dignity to the end of a life. Sometimes we loose loved ones before we know it. Accidents, suicide, miscarriages, so many ways to lose a life in the blink of an eye, but sometimes it's up to us to be there for that loved one we are losing. For those of you walking the path of caring for a parent or elderly family member be encouraged: this momentary affliction will be eclipsed WONDERFULLY and COMPLETELY by God's glory when we receive our inheritance as His sons and daughters. You are in the fire that refines. You will shine in the end. All for His glory. Thank you Grandma, Trudy, Debbie, and your siblings, Nana, Aunt Daundra, and Mike and Ken for making the most of the last days of your loved ones. You gave them dignity in death. May I be so devoted if it ever be my turn.

.

For the Life of the World - a sort of review, but not really

For the Life of the World: Letters to the Exiles

is a 7 part DVD series from Acton Institute and the boys of Jars of Clay

I suppose you would call it a worldview rumination- the seven parts are:

1. Exile

2. Love

3. Creative Service

4. Order

5. Wisdom

6. Wonder

7. Church

It's quite a quircky/hipster series. It is put together creatively with a nod to retro themes but a focus on modern culture and our relevance/purpose as Christian's within it. I think some adults would enjoy it and hopefully some youth. I might offer it up to the youth pastor when I'm done watching them as a teaching resource. I could see them provoking some good discussion.

Today I watched the part on Love.  He gave us very relevant facts that pointed out little to no difference between "church" peoples and secular divorce and pre-marital sex stats. This I knew but it is still a little shocking to ponder how close they are. 

He talked about God being relational. The triune God has the ability within himself to relate and so we have a dualism. On R. C. Sproul's radio broadcast this week a guest teacher was talking about how no other religion holds to a God capable of that. Not Allah, who is described as an all encompassing ONE, obviously not atheists, and also not the religions that say we are all "one". You know, the whole "we are God and God is us" sort of thinking so prevalent in modern spirituality.  The video sort of refers to the debate that surrounds marriage equality but avoids any direct stance or mention. I believe by its' very nature of saying God made man and woman to form a connection that was meant to be "turned outward" to the family it raises and community it lives in, that they are affirming traditional marriage. I think it would be fair to say the interaction we prize in the doctrine of the Trinity is continued and reflected by marriage. Also and more obviously the relationship of Christ to the church who are referred to repeatedly in the scriptures as the bridegroom and the bride.

Also, on the radio today doctor Albert Molher was stressing the importance of marriage as not only a contract but a covenant entered into. The purpose of it? to minimize sin. We live in a fallen world, and our God-given desires are warped by our sin nature. Marriage is a chance to sanctify and minimize the effect of that nature. I always tell myself something I heard early in my marriage, "you are his only legitimate resource". Physical intimacy is designed by God so we might cultivate a family and bless a community by providing what should be considered the very foundation of society, a stable family unit. Love is at the heart of God's economy. It is shown by Christs' willingness to enter a family and to show love and respect for that unit though it is often so flawed. Even tragic. A recurring theme to this series is found in it's title, that all this (in part 2's case the purpose of marriage) is for "the Life of the World". I don't know that I will post thoughts on each part of the series, it just seemed like too many things this week pointed to the subject of marriage to not take notice. (I'm listening God)

CBS Opening

I am copying the link down here of the opening I did for CBS this month. Just documenting it for documentations' sake.

CBS Opening

First of Fall Update

I am refusing to change my facebook profile pic for another week. I am getting the itch to light my fall candles and start looking for the beautiful leaves to turn but everytime I look at the pic of the kids in the pool I just can't quite bring myself to change it. Fall will be plenty long. Just wanted to toss an update out there now that the first few weeks of school are under our belt. Trinity has been wonderfully optimistic about this year. In fifth grade they get to have a "store" every other Friday. Trinity must have spent all of Friday afternoon going through her room finding stuff to sell, so I began to look through my things and found some extra gift bags and a few little bottles of lotion that were gifted to me that I hadn't gotten around to using. She was SO happy and said "thanks for supporting me, mom". I just about emptied my bathroom drawers and threw every bottle of girly stuff I had at her I was so happy! Makeup? Take it all! oh fifth graders don't wear much? Sell it for the moms! Here, take this floss, all kids need to floss. .. etc. Folks, Trinity has always been dramatic and highly emotional. She "feels" things so deeply and one of her top complaints (rational or not) is that I don't support her in her dreams. (yes, those were the exact words she used when I wouldn't turn off my evening program so that she could netflix workouts so that she would be in shape to be the next American Ninja Warrior). So the fact that she articulated that exact thing, "you're supporting me"; my heart went to the moon and back. Our relationship is really growing by leaps and bounds. There are ALWAYS challenges but I take them on in JESUS' name. lol Blake has struggled a little more with second grade. The work has stepped up and his easily distracted nature plus his slightly lazy ways with schoolwork are really throwing him for a loop. I am hoping he just needs to adjust his attitude and his outlook and the year will really start to rock and roll for him because he is usually very well behaved in class and quick on the uptake of the math etc. Isaac is IN LOVE with preschool. I think he is going to just fly this year. We have received the call that he is set up to begin his Speech therapy weekly. Because of his Autism diagnoses there is a grant that will cover the weeks of therapy that my insurance won't. He begins swimming lessons today. It's just too much for me how big he is. I went to CBS on Wednesday for the first time EVER without a child with me in about nine years. Of course I immediately pictured myself having another. Okay, I know you can't have a baby EVERY time a child goes to school but. . .
our fourth child (okay, dog) James has begun his puppy classes. He is SUCH a good boy but such a maniac in playtime! Hoping training will get those last puppy behavioral issues worked out. BTW his homework chart was sent home with him. #1 was Praise your puppy 25x times a day / I don't even do that with my OWN CHILDREN. Now what do you think my next thought was? I guess I had better start praising my kids 25x a day.  If I can do it for a dog, I can do it for them. Geesh. All things considered it has been a good start to the year. I went to the Beth Moore simulcast on Sat. and made some connections as well as reconnected with my mentor Stephanie. We really allowed some truth to seep into our hearts that day, I'm so thankful for Beth Moore. As manic as her teaching can be she never fails to inspire me to action. Of course she talked about women needing to share joy and the necessity of friends. This is something I have already been well aware of and struggling with so encouragement was very timely. Trying to just take it a day at a time. Remembering I don't have to be perfect, just LOVING.