Rambling - Part 1

I have felt the need to decompress verbally for several weeks now. It's funny how things always seem to build to a boiling point before simmering down to an acceptable level again for a time. The reason I haven't gotten around to writing sooner is because I wasn't sure where to begin. I live in many fantasy worlds throughout the day and I'm never sure which is best - or if they are deserving of time at all. These might include trawling fashion blogs and watching fashion shows on cable (both of which I always have at least 2 cents to add),  watching design shows (also always have an opinion), and my latest obsession Pinterest. Now, I console myself that Pinterest might actually be useful (I have gotten some good recipes already) but since my last ten "pins" have been of clothes I can't afford. . .also I am curious why I sometimes feel the need to "escape" from the role of motherhood that is mine and that I cherish so much I wouldn't trade -or would I? I picture myself striking out in the business world, creating an empire from some product I love. In an older post I mentioned this need too. My current "Self" doesn't seem to be good enough. At least I feel like that's what I'm telling myself when I partake of the fantasy worlds where I can buy whatever I want, decorate with whatever I want, and accomplish whatever I want. Another part of the not sure where to begin issue is I wonder at times how personal to get in these deep-down blog sessions. I mean, it's not exactly a journal I can lock and hide under the mattress. That begs the question what is my motivation for baring my heart to the world? hmm, will have to think on that one. In the meantime I write on because I am a blabber mouth after all and I enjoy a good vent like the next person. Today was one of those days. Some days I feel like I have it all together. I rock the mom thing, (never perfect it, but rock it), my children don't seem to be heading for a disastrous future (at this moment), and all seems well on the home front. Contentment is the word of the day. Then there are days like today. Can I be honest? we all have our self doubts. A few nights ago at the dinner table Jeremy made a comment I took the wrong way. It threw me into a mini spiral of frustration and self-doubt. Am I doing enough? Do I care enough? Somehow it's okay when you think to yourself "hey, I might be a little lazy" but it's another thing when you sense thoughts like that underlying a loved ones' comments.  I told him later that I should have been happy he felt I had potential to waste. lol. There is always a silver lining. Anyway, it was just one of those days that make you feel crummy about your life in general. Throughout the day I had considered projects and outlets that might help me feel productive but in the end there are plenty of fabulous fashion/decor blogs and I'm certainly not going to pursue a career at this point (while the kids are little) so I end up back at sighing and shrugging and wondering what I could be doing differently. Yeah, one of those days. But don't worry because part 2 is coming soon and we will look at how I SHOULD be looking at things. . .from a Higher point of view