Though I have read the book, this post is not about it but rather about my recent interactions with my daughter Trinity. Trinity is seven and we have been having some difficulties in the realm of, well, DRAMA. There has been crying the past two days in a row at homework time. The first day she burst into tears after I scolded her for losing focus on her subtraction and after immediately praised Blake for a job well done on his letters. "You never compliment me!" she sobbed. Say what?! I thought that was interesting because I HAVE been trying to be more affirming of her (this is NOT my strong-suit in life, words of affirmation are not natural to my tongue) lately. We had even had a "date" last weekend and had a wonderful time during which I know she felt special and loved. So what gives? The frustrating thing about daughters is that they are so easy to misunderstand. It often takes some digging to get to the bottom of the issue. Most often when I try to comfort Trinity about a problem she tries to get away from me but at the same time I KNOW she wants that hug that she just turned her back on. What is it about women that make us attempt to spite the people we love the most? I see the same power struggle in her that I act out when I am upset with my husband over some usually trivial issue. To her however, it isn't trivial. I read a great blog post the other day that addressed this. Basically the woman shared that we need to look deep for the source of the outburst and not just wonder where are sweet little girl went as we make a disciplinary decision based on behavior alone. I agree with this. The real issue that particular day was Trinity wanted affirmation from me when I was only giving it to Blake. At least that's how she saw it.
I saw a seven year old trying to drive me batty by taking an hour to do twenty problems she could accomplish in 15 minutes. Also, my beloved Trinity is blessed with an inherent sense of fairness. This has led to many a fight. "He picked the movie yesterday". "It's MY day to. . . ." The other side of this coin is the wonderful times of thoughtfulness like two days ago at her softball practice when I heard Trinity whisper to her coach that she was trying to hit the ball to Lilly because Lilly didn't get it very often. Lilly is the shy girl on the team who just sits back and sees if the ball gets to her through several of the more rambunctious girls who jump in front of her to get it. I love this about Trinity and realize that I need to encourage that sense of fair play while making her understand that as the oldest, she has responsibilities (for example: homework) that her siblings do not yet share and that yes, it seems unfair when she has to spend more time on it but that life is sometimes that way. In the long run she graduates first right? (yeah, that didn't really phase her, a little too far "down the road" to appreciate) =) It's very easy to see what I need to work on with Trinity but much harder to carry it out. That's where being earnest comes in.
adjective
1.serious in intention, purpose, or effort; sincerely zealous: an earnest worker.
2.showing depth and sincerity of feeling: earnest words; an earnest entreaty.
3.seriously important; demanding or receiving serious attention.
noun
4.full seriousness, as of intention or purpose: to speak in earnest.
Trinity may be the silliest girl I know (oh yeah, some of you know what I'm talking about), but she is SERIOUS about needing love and attention. I buy her candy from the Easter sale, she is all thank-yous. I make a point to have lunch with her at school, she is all hugs. I let her stay up late to read her a story, she is all excitement. I want to be earnest in my time with her. I want her to have a depth of sincerity and feeling from her mother that she knows she can't get anywhere else. I want her to know I have the time for her, no matter what. This isn't easy, kids can be particular and their tired meltdowns and crabby finickiness can try my every patience, especially when a baby is needing me and the olders "should be able to handle themselves!" but should they? maybe not so much. maybe not so often. I earnestly long for my daughter to know that God loves her so much and she is a gift to me. An amazing, affectionate, quirky, loveable gift. No, I may not make her life perfectly "fair" in her eyes but I will do everything I can to keep that wide-eyed appreciation for the needs of others a part of her character. Starting by meeting her needs, then by addressing her behavior and hopefully not the other way around. Two days ago I should have dropped the homework and addressed the emotional need. Homework can wait. Hearts cannot.
3 comments:
Awesome post! Definitely hit home in my court! Thanks for the encouragement!
Love this! My daughter is 6 soon to be 7, and she often does outbursts against "unfairness" and yet I have to explain to her accountability. Its easy to see why you didnt get to make breakfast before the bus because you didnt do what you was suppose to do, now you have to take a snack and eat school lunch. As a mother I want to show her love, affirm her accomplishments, spend time with her one on one and be available, but I find it just as much to discipline her REactions to things as well. Sometimes it easier to get to the real issue when Im doing something alone (like my hair) and she will just come and talk to me about everything (days or weeks later), at this time I make a point to listen to her, thank her for sharing with me and then correct the areas where she may have went wrong. The book Love Languages for Children by Gary Chapman has also helped me to see which way is better to show my love to my children based on what they need. I definitely recommend that book, it is very useful and has helped me alot (but they have to be able to answer the questions in the back)
thanks Qua! you are right, overeactions need to be handled then and there. I too find trinity comes to me and brings things up days after the fact. It is good to talk about it even if it is in retrospect. I think Love Languages work for sure, thank you for the recommendation. You can find the link to the article mentioned on my facebook page. @Sarah thank you as well. I am glad you are encouraged. Girls are precious AND emotional. =)
!
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