Today was a challenge I think perhaps I failed. It's funny when you are pulled in two directions at once. It's like two halves of you, which one will win? Reminds me so much of what Paul was talking about in his epistles. Romans 7:15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
Earlier I was in line at McDonalds and there was a man in front me. He was scruffy looking with a rather bad burn scar on the right side of his face. He looked lonely. My heart immediately went out to him as I watched him pull out his wallet and purchase a coffee for $1. It was lunch time. Wasn't he hungry? I thought about jumping up next to him and offering to buy him lunch but somehow that didn't seem to be the right way to go about it. My turn at the counter and Blake is chattering away, distracting me with his requests. Perhaps if I had been thinking I would have ordered an extra burger right then but I wasn't very hungry so I just got food for Blake and we sat down in a booth opposite the man. I watched him drinking his coffee slowly; he had a paper on the table that he looked at occasionally but mostly he seemed to be using the booth to rest with eyes mostly closed. I had a powerful urge to go over to him and offer to buy him a meal. I pictured giving it to him and saying "Jesus loves you, I hope you have a nice day". This verse kept running through my mind: James 2:15-16 "If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food and one of you says to them "Go in peace, be warmed and filled" without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? In the same way faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. I want my faith to be alive, I want to live it out. I was going to do it; offer him a meal. Of course I began questioning myself right away. What if he was offended by my approaching him? What if he wasn't actually the homeless man I pictured him to be? Would that affect his attitude? Would I really leave blake and isaac at the table and go stand in line to get him food? Well, I couldn't say no so I got up and, taking Isaac with me while leaving Blake eating, ( I could see him the whole time ) I got back in line. More questions. . ."What if he doesn't like hamburgers?, or ketchup? or pickles?" I ordered a double cheeseburger and headed back to the table. He looked right at me as I sat down. I was bummed because it was so obvious I had just gotten the burger. In the back of my mind I had planned to say something like "we had this extra burger would you like it?". I don't know why but I felt like it might be a better approach. The man keeps checking an inside pocket. Watch? pet mouse? drug stash? (I mean it could have been, who knows?) This oddity of his was the one thing that sort of put a check on my bold enthusiasm and I can't even put a finger on why. So I just sat there and he got up and went to the bathroom. I spent those few minutes mustering up courage to offer the cheeseburger to him when he came out. Well he came out, went straight to his coffee cup, picked it up and walked out of view. My heart sank. I hadn't done it in time. I had handled it all wrong. I should have just marched directly to him and offered to buy him a meal the minute we sat down, or even back in the line. Heck with whether he was offended or not, when the Spirit leads. . . .so I dejectedly unwrap the burger and begin eating it, giving Isaac bites as well. I marvel at how he can gum it so well. That can't be considered real food, can it? Suddenly the man returns to his seat! He hadn't left, only refilled his coffee. Now I feel like an idiot. I just ate the hamburger and I didn't even want it! lame, lame, lame. I gather Blake and Isaac up and we leave, me shuffling my feet in indecision. Perhaps I should still march over and offer? I just keep walking. Confusion and uncertainty have won for the day. Yesterday at church the sermon was on boldness. We were studying the birth of the church in Acts andthe transformation of Peter and John, men of humble origions who spoke with great authourity through the power of Christ and healed a lame man. Everyone noticed. Everyone knew they had been with Jesus. Do people know I'm with Jesus? I don't think anyone learned that today. I'm not mad about it, I just want to keep my heart open and my spirit tender to God's leading. Maybe I should have fed the man, proclaiming the name of Jesus all the while. Boldness, humility, a generous spirit. Worthy reactions to the leading of the Spirit. Someday I will come through for Him.
4 comments:
Been there and I feel the inner tennis match your heart and mind are going through. The good news is that this experience has helped you to prepare for next time so you won't feel so unprepared.
I was bold once with a woman living in her car and offered her some extra picnic sandwiches we had. It took a leap of faith, but that time it didn't quite work out. She told me that she didn't accept food from strangers and to take it to a food bank or other charitable center. Oh well. Live and learn (and don't forget to pray for that man whether he was homeless or not). ;-) <3
I forgot to tell you what happened before church yesterday. As we pulled into the parking lot a truck pulled over to the side of the road by the church driveway. There was a young woman walking down the street and I could see her face was red and she was upset. THere were two guys in the truck one older, one younger and the younger jumped out and started talking to her. THey were obviously having an argument and the guy talker her into getting in to the truck. I was watching from the corner of my eye and inside the church building the whole time. Had NO IDEA what to do but felt strongly that I should just walk up to her and ask her if she needed anything. Was she alright? I did nothing. What if she was hurt? in an abusive relationship? what If I could have been the one to tell her it was okay to leave? I have no idea what the situation was and all I could do was quietly explain to the church body what I had witnessed and take a moment with everyone to pray for her. I know God is obviously the most capable of loving and rescuing her but I felt so strongly I should have physically gone over to her. Fear held me back. Always fear. No boldness. My prayer is that God continues to give us opportunities.
Been there. And sometimes when I actually follow those weird nudges I often don't know what good it did, but I suppose it's not for us to know. Also, the fear thing is justified! That's probably why it's so hard for us to decide to do the things. I suppose that's where trusting God comes in... that even if the person is offended or another fear is actually realized.. we have to know that we did what God wanted us to do. Feels like that happens to me often (when I actually am brave enough to do whatever it is) seems like someone somewhere is offended or what I did was misunderstood. Maybe to just accept the fears and expect rejection would help us? It's not our job to control or worry about someones reaction after all.
Dearest one,perhaps He was preparing your heart for the next time.
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