If any among you is sick. . .

so, so, sick. . . .
So this year has started off with a real bang health wise for me. Two ear infections already along with miserable colds and now my first bought of influenza in years. Super high fever off and on for six days. Isaac kicked it off with a 102 temp. on tuesday night. That night while I nursed him I thought to myself  "gosh I'm chilly". . .thus it began. The days weren't quite so bad as long as I was pumped full of ibuprofen but by the evening I would hit the wall and my temp would jump back up to high 101 and into 102. Two points stand out in particular: one afternoon as I waited for Jeremy to get home early from work I sweat out a fairly high temp while carrying an inconsolable infant for approx. 1 hr. (I mean the sweat was RUNNING down my back, so gross) and then we have the saturday night "meltdown" as I have dubbed it. My fever shot super close to 103 and my breathing got all funky and I was on the verge of a complete freak out that something was majorly wrong. The kids were all in bed and we considered all options including asking a neighbor to watch the kids so Jer could take me to urgent care but in the end I opted for deep breathing, 4 Ibuprofen at once, and the end of Jerry Maguire which as stupid as it sounds helped me get my good cry out that I had been feeling like I needed since oh, well, my third day of fever. It was just hard to get the tears to come since my eyeballs were on fire. Sunday showed miniscule but measurable improvement, however I still had a fever off and on so it was decided Jeremy would stay home today because I was in a panic at the thought of having the kids all day myself. I just had no energy back yet. Went to the doctor today announcing at my appointment "this is dumb because I think I'm getting better" but lo and behold I still had a low grade fever when he took my temp. After listening to my lungs and heart he declared me still living and pneumonia/bronchitis free. He could not however rule out a kick-ass strain of influenza, possibly even a comeback of the swine flu. oink. Well whatever it is I prayed several times that it be taken away. Blah, didn't happen. I even considered calling some elders to bring some oil and pray. Ha! probably should have. In a few days I have no doubt I will finally be myself again but boy I do find myself returning through situations like this to my whole answered prayer issues again. Ah well, the promise is a heaven without pain and sickness and that's good enough for me! It's all my "save me from this!" prayers answered right? Of course right. Thank You God. Thank you that I am alive. Thank you that I am getting better 7 days after this began. Thank you that you have protected my children from getting it as bad as me. (yes, poor blake has it too and trinity is next I think but neither his case nor Isaac's were anywhere close to as bad as mine) Thank you God, that Your word came to mind in my sickness, reminding me of Your promises. Thank you that so many people prayed for me. Thank you for an amazeballs husband that rocked above and beyond his duties for five days straight. Help him to keep it up. Please. Amen.

Boldness. . .

Today was a challenge I think perhaps I failed. It's funny when you are pulled in two directions at once. It's like two halves of you, which one will win? Reminds me so much of what Paul was talking about in his epistles. Romans 7:15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
Earlier I was in line at McDonalds and there was a man in front me. He was scruffy looking with a rather bad burn scar on the right side of his face. He looked lonely. My heart immediately went out to him as I watched him pull out his wallet and purchase a coffee for $1. It was lunch time. Wasn't he hungry? I thought about jumping up next to him and offering to buy him lunch but somehow that didn't seem to be the right way to go about it. My turn at the counter and Blake is chattering away, distracting me with his requests. Perhaps if I had been thinking I would have ordered an extra burger right then but I wasn't very hungry so I just got food for Blake and we sat down in a booth opposite the man. I watched him drinking his coffee slowly; he had a paper on the table that he looked at occasionally but mostly he seemed to be using the booth to rest with eyes mostly closed. I had a powerful urge to go over to him and offer to buy him a meal. I pictured giving it to him and saying "Jesus loves you, I hope you have a nice day". This verse kept running through my mind: James 2:15-16 "If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food and one of you says to them "Go in peace, be warmed and filled" without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? In the same way faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. I want my faith to be alive, I want to live it out. I was going to do it; offer him a meal. Of course I began questioning myself right away. What if he was offended by my approaching him? What if he wasn't actually the homeless man I pictured him to be? Would that affect his attitude? Would I really leave blake and isaac at the table and go stand in line to get him food? Well, I couldn't say no so I got up and, taking Isaac with me while leaving Blake eating, ( I could see him the whole time ) I got back in line. More questions. . ."What if he doesn't like hamburgers?, or ketchup? or pickles?" I ordered a double cheeseburger and headed back to the table. He looked right at me as I sat down. I was bummed because it was so obvious I had just gotten the burger. In the back of my mind I had planned to say something like "we had this extra burger would you like it?". I don't know why but I felt like it might be a better approach. The man keeps checking an inside pocket. Watch? pet mouse? drug stash? (I mean it could have been, who knows?) This oddity of his was the one thing that sort of put a check on my bold enthusiasm and I can't even put a finger on why. So I just sat there and he got up and went to the bathroom. I spent those few minutes mustering up courage to offer the cheeseburger to him when he came out. Well he came out, went straight to his coffee cup, picked it up and walked out of view. My heart sank. I hadn't done it in time. I had handled it all wrong. I should have just marched directly to him and offered to buy him a meal the minute we sat down, or even back in the line. Heck with whether he was offended or not, when the Spirit leads. . . .so I dejectedly unwrap the burger and begin eating it, giving Isaac bites as well. I marvel at how he can gum it so well. That can't be considered real food, can it? Suddenly the man returns to his seat! He hadn't left, only refilled his coffee. Now I feel like an idiot. I just ate the hamburger and I didn't even want it! lame, lame, lame. I gather Blake and Isaac up and we leave, me shuffling my feet in indecision. Perhaps I should still march over and offer? I just keep walking. Confusion and uncertainty have won for the day. Yesterday at church the sermon was on boldness. We were studying the birth of the church in Acts andthe transformation of Peter and John, men of humble origions who spoke with great authourity through the power of Christ and healed a lame man. Everyone noticed. Everyone knew they had been with Jesus. Do people know I'm with Jesus? I don't think anyone learned that today. I'm not mad about it, I just want to keep my heart open and my spirit tender to God's leading. Maybe I should have fed the man, proclaiming the name of Jesus all the while. Boldness, humility, a generous spirit. Worthy reactions to the leading of the Spirit. Someday I will come through for Him.

The Importance of Being Earnest

Though I have read the book, this post is not about it but rather about my recent interactions with my daughter Trinity. Trinity is seven and we have been having some difficulties in the realm of, well, DRAMA. There has been crying the past two days in a row at homework time. The first day she burst into tears after I scolded her for losing focus on her subtraction and after immediately praised Blake for a job well done on his letters. "You never compliment me!" she sobbed. Say what?! I thought that was interesting because I HAVE been trying to be more affirming of her (this is NOT my strong-suit in life, words of affirmation are not natural to my tongue) lately. We had even had a "date" last weekend and had a wonderful time during which I know she felt special and loved. So what gives? The frustrating thing about daughters is that they are so easy to misunderstand. It often takes some digging to get to the bottom of the issue. Most often when I try to comfort Trinity about a problem she tries to get away from me but at the same time I KNOW she wants that hug that she just turned her back on. What is it about women that make us attempt to spite the people we love the most? I see the same power struggle in her that I act out when I am upset with my husband over some usually trivial issue. To her however, it isn't trivial. I read a great blog post the other day that addressed this. Basically the woman shared that we need to look deep for the source of the outburst and not just wonder where are sweet little girl went as we make a disciplinary decision based on behavior alone. I agree with this. The real issue that particular day was Trinity wanted affirmation from me when I was only giving it to Blake. At least that's how she saw it. I saw a seven year old trying to drive me batty by taking an hour to do twenty problems she could accomplish in 15 minutes. Also, my beloved Trinity is blessed with an inherent sense of fairness. This has led to many a fight. "He picked the movie yesterday". "It's MY day to. . . ." The other side of this coin is the wonderful times of thoughtfulness like two days ago at her softball practice when I heard Trinity whisper to her coach that she was trying to hit the ball to Lilly because Lilly didn't get it very often. Lilly is the shy girl on the team who just sits back and sees if the ball gets to her through several of the more rambunctious girls who jump in front of her to get it. I love this about Trinity and realize that I need to encourage that sense of fair play while making her understand that as the oldest, she has responsibilities (for example: homework) that her siblings do not yet share and that yes, it seems unfair when she has to spend more time on it but that life is sometimes that way. In the long run she graduates first right? (yeah, that didn't really phase her, a little too far "down the road" to appreciate) =) It's very easy to see what I need to work on with Trinity but much harder to carry it out. That's where being earnest comes in.

ear·nest [ur-nist] 

adjective

1.serious in intention, purpose, or effort; sincerely zealous: an earnest worker.

2.showing depth and sincerity of feeling: earnest words; an earnest entreaty.

3.seriously important; demanding or receiving serious attention.

noun

4.full seriousness, as of intention or purpose: to speak in earnest.

Trinity may be the silliest girl I know (oh yeah, some of you know what I'm talking about), but she is SERIOUS about needing love and attention. I buy her candy from the Easter sale, she is all thank-yous. I make a point to have lunch with her at school, she is all hugs. I let her stay up late to read her a story, she is all excitement. I want to be earnest in my time with her. I want her to have a depth of sincerity and feeling from her mother that she knows she can't get anywhere else. I want her to know I have the time for her, no matter what. This isn't easy, kids can be particular and their tired meltdowns and crabby finickiness can try my every patience, especially when a baby is needing me and the olders "should be able to handle themselves!"  but should they? maybe not so much. maybe not so often. I earnestly long for my daughter to know that God loves her so much and she is a gift to me. An amazing, affectionate, quirky, loveable gift. No, I may not make her life perfectly "fair" in her eyes but I will do everything I can to keep that wide-eyed appreciation for the needs of others a part of her character. Starting by meeting her needs, then by addressing her behavior and hopefully not the other way around. Two days ago I should have dropped the homework and addressed the emotional need. Homework can wait. Hearts cannot.

Early Easter

With Mom and Nat here we decided it would be easier to do an egg hunt in my backyard on Friday since they were leaving Saturday morning and that would interrupt us taking the kids somewhere else. It turned out to be really fun and simple and they had a great time! I am glad that tomorrow it will be that much easier to focus on resurrection sunday since we won't have the candy high/basket frenzy that would have happened otherwise. Just church and dinner with family. Sounds great. Here are some pics. I kept catching everyone as they were blinking but oh well they are cute anyway!
the peeps always die first

Ah ha! a basket

hmm looks like fun. . .

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 on your mark, get set, GO!

 

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and finally. . .extras of Isaac putting the easter eggs in the rain boots. adorbs! 

Stretching the Boundaries

Just a thought for today. . . have you ever tried to do more than God has called you to? What did that look like for you? When did you realize you had gotten off the path or perhaps stretched the boundaries of the task given you? I have been reflecting the past few days on my gifting in music. The Lord has always made it so clear that worship in women's/children's ministry is where I should be using it and He has always opened a door to it. When I had trinity I was the most active I have ever been in ministry, at Calvary Chapel Spokane in their women's bible study. Thank heavens Jeremy basically didn't work that year (what am I saying!? . . .but it's true) because I kept BUSY. lol. Then we moved and I had Blake but I had found an amazing church and was back singing (even using my tambourine!) by the time he was three months. I even got to sing in choir for a bit before my "year of affliction" forced me to stop. Then I had Isaac and we moved again (not that far but far enough to look for a new home church) and since last summer (we're going on a year) I really haven't been playing or singing at all in any leadership/team capacity. It was odd to attend a bible study where I wasn't involved with the music! It was also a bit liberating to just be able to show up and focus on the study. In my reflections on my times in ministry I was looking at not just the musical aspects but also the leadership side of my growth. I actually led worship for a retreat and then headed a small group three years running. I made several blunders in these newer areas of leadership. For example, I did a devotional once that I had an AWESOME outline for which I promptly left at home, and the tidbits I remembered ended up coming out all wrong. I always speak before I think and I am too eager to share every thought that crosses my mind. I have also shared songs that have fallen flat because I think I was just so excited about something that moved me that I forced it in whether it was relevant or not. I especially have to be careful in areas I have no experience. Like Timothy, I shouldn't be quiet just because I am young (I am still young right? I mean, my parents are still around and everything so I'm still a kid to someone) but I think I should go straight to the scriptures and not let my flapping tongue offer my "sage" advice (which is usually based on the first impression from someones sharing and may not even be the full story, etc). There are women GOING THROUGH THINGS. I mean, "wow" type things and if I have learned anything from trying to be a "leader", it's that you are never prepared enough. I often wondered what I had gotten myself into as I searched for the right words or course of action. I realized that though I have the "wise woman" front down pat from years of church "experience" I am really wet behind the ears still. The wonderful thing is, even in most of my mistakes God has put someone in the room that was blessed regardless of my botching of whatever I was sharing. That makes me thankful and humble.
All of this to say: I am praying for a few people lately who have taken on new roles of leadership. I am praying that God will grow them into their new ministry and also that they are approaching it with right hearts and open ears/eyes. I pray that they will be steeped in scriptures and strive to offer their best. That they will be hungry to share the love of God and that God will fill them with His Holy Spirit, making them powerful and effective witnesses for His kingdom. I hope someone is praying this for me as well. When I look back on some of my questionable forays into leadership I feel like maybe I was aspiring to more than God had called me. Perhaps because it was more about "me" than it was about Him I found myself stretching the boundaries for selfish and vain reasons. That is why I also pray for my loved ones in leadership that they would be honest about their motivation, and serious (sober minded) in doing the Lord's work. I'm ready to get back to my music but I am still waiting on God's timing. This is the longest I have stepped away from my music ministry to focus on a new baby. It's a team effort when you have three kids; my husband has to watch them to free me to play/sing so I am also praying for Jeremy's full support.  Sometimes I feel like I haven't even scratched the surface of what God is calling me to and that is exciting. Music is my gift and my calling. Whether leadership is part of that or not I pray God will make clear to me case by case, moment by moment because I firmly believe nothing turns out worse than when you try to lead where you aren't called to.

Ephesians 4: 11-13
¹¹ So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, ¹² to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up ¹³ until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

James 3

  Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. ² For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. ³ If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. ⁴ Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. ⁵ So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.

1 Corinthians 12:4-7
 ⁴ Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; ⁵ and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; ⁶ and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. ⁷  To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good.