Sometimes

You just can't do what you normally can. The end of the year always makes me reflective of time past and I usually keep a "yearly perspective"  post for after the first of January but I feel as though I need to contrast the ups and downs of this year now and have it all hashed out before the holidays hit. We began the year with that "ahhhh" feeling. The calmer, cleaner home after the Christmas clutter is packed away. The settling back into the school routine, bible study, etc. Just that quiet (ha, the Diviney family does not do quite) routine that gets the days flowing smoothly again. I was memorizing scripture and hitting most of the goals I set for myself at the New Year. This all continued through a travel intense summer and I was patting myself on the back and ignoring the niggling problems of discipline and other struggles that come with young children. Until September. September kicked my butt. Trinity was immediately overwhelmed with her schoolwork and the changing social dynamics of fourth grade. It was the first time I had heard her use the term "popular" and want to be part of an in-crowd. I know this is natural but I wasn't ready for it. The homework meltdowns were taking hours a night. I'm not kidding. At one point I told Jeremy that I would flat out not survive a year of it. Even her teacher requested an emergency meeting to discuss how to encourage her to focus and perform in class to the level we all know she is capable of. She spoke about hating herself, and was constantly belittling herself. It was very upsetting to me. Blake gave me fits as well. He didn't like the full days of school, claimed kids were bullying him, and began lying to my face to get out of trouble or avoid things he didn't want to do. I began to discover that he is quite introverted. I committed to a play-date plan alternating weeks, one for Trinity and one for Blake to build their social connections and mine as well. It has really helped trin to not be so focused on getting all her friendship from one or two people. Blake just likes to have fun but I limit his play-dates to a little over an hour because after that he tends to misbehave. Part of the introvertedness and being a younger first grader I think. Isaac qualified for speech therapy and we began that two days a week, one in home session and one group session. I think he has some sensory issues as well that in hindsight I recognize in Blake's behavior at a similar age. The therapist has given me tips for my "sensory seeking" son. He is behind with his vocabulary and I do find myself getting frustrated with the level of communication we currently have. Food is still (always) an issue for the boys. Trinity is in gymnastics and her and Blake are both in swimming which means evening commitments two nights a week. I wouldn't say we are overbooked but I would say we are at our limit. The  double whammy of Trinity and Blake's struggles plus the learning curve of my toddler have put me into the spin cycle in the washing machine of life. All of my "goals" for the year went out the window, no more verses, no songwriting, no penguin classics, this fall has been hunkering into the trenches of parenting and taking on the battle with awareness and passion. It's taken all of my energy and focus. Miraculously Jeremy and I keep a united front and even manage to care for our marriage. I am thankful for this. Also, I have not stopped serving in women's ministry and even began volunteering at church leading the first graders every other week because Blake really loves the extra attention. I am thoroughly enjoying it! I have even braved playing on the worship band once a month. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, a perfect wife, or a perfect believer. I am learning to give myself grace. To seek God in the everyday. My prayer life has suffered but God is renewing my desire to spend time with Him. I feel like I am coming up for air after being plunged into the deep. Things for the kids still aren't perfect but I see improvements. I am already making goals for the next year even as I surrender the goals from this one that were not met. I want to invite my grandmothers to read through the bible in a year with me. My sister and I are committing to no yelling for a year. That's a big one. I'm just so thankful tonight. I'm thankful for my children even if I cry myself to sleep over them occasionally. I am so thankful to be home with them even though the past few weeks I've fought the "what to do with downtime doldrums"; those lies that say I'm not doing enough or accomplishing the purpose of my life that this whole "family" thing keeps me from. AS if. In this season of giving and thankfulness I am ready to take a slow breath. Yeah, that's it pretty much. Just nice, slow breath. Thankfulness in, thankfulness out.