Watch out everyone this is going to be a long one and I am mostly putting it down for my own remembrance but if you too are struggling in parenting it might be worth the read! I was lamenting to Jeremy that I was out of new ideas for parenting and I was frustrated with how poorly I was sometimes treating the kids. It's funny but Isaac being my last child is really motivating me not to mess up in the same ways with him that I did with Trinity and Blake. I had been randomly praying about it but mostly complaining to Jer. Still I had recently told myself to make better use of drive times - where I am usually on the phone - to interact with the kids. On the way home from shopping the other day I had a good opportunity to talk about the gospel with them. We had gotten through God and Jesus and I was sharing about the Holy Spirit. Trinity is "yessing" and "uh-huhing" (are those words? well they should be) and happily explains that she "totally gets that" and "asked Jesus into her heart a long time ago". I believe this and don't doubt my little girls salvation one bit. I take a chance and ask Blake if he has ever done that. "Mom can we stop talking about this?" is his response. Blake will always change the subject before answering if he thinks you won't like the answer or he gets embarrassed. "Besides" he says "Trinity made me pray the other day that the ice cream truck would come when we were outside and it never came". You won't force or guilt Blake into anything. Trinity comes right back with "well Blake, God knows what you need and what you don't and sometimes you just don't need ice cream". I can't help but laugh at their differences. It's funny because I see so much of myself in Trinity; that quick and joyful faith that I had as a child. In Blake I see more of his Daddy, a little bit more cautious and cynical. I am not sure if Jeremy was like that when he was a child but I see similarities in their behavior and personality today. Anyway this was the first conversation in the past week that kicked off some good discussion with my children and I hope growth in my parenting. The redeeming the car time idea is not a new one but was brought up again for me in the current parenting book I am reading:
This book is a major "ouch" to the average parent. I thought I strove to be intentional in raising my children in a God-fearing home but this book kicks it to another level. I was at once humbled, frustrated, and inspired. Another of their practical suggestions (besides car time) was praying with your child when they have suffered a confrontation or acted out meanly/wrongly. Apparently for my children this is like pouring boiling oil on them. They writhed and squirmed in their time outs as I prayed for them that they might seek help from the Lord for more control in this area or more forgiveness in that. Turns out when you make it personal with God it's downright not cool. So even though I couldn't get them to actually pray those prayers it was good that they understood the seriousness of their behavior and that often what makes momma unhappy makes God unhappy too. Every night I have been reading to them from a childrens book called. . .
in it the little girl (anette) struggles to forgive a boy who inadverdently crippled her little brother. She hears the gospel and wants to ask Jesus into her heart but surely Jesus wouldn't come into a heart filled with hate? "Yes he would!" says Trinity, "then he can change it from the inside out". I'm not going to take the time to flesh this out theologically but I was pleased to see that Trinity has a grasp that God loves her no matter what. It makes me think the few times this week we prayed over her behavior have made an impression, even though I felt like I was talking to a wall. and that brings me to. . .
This Article Below and Last Night! dun-dudu-duh!
we finally get to the last part of this parenting saga (for the moment). . .
6 Things You Can Do When Your Child Is Belligerent
"My daughter was being so rude and belligerent.
She was screaming at me about everything, so finally I just lost
patience and yelled at her to go to her room. Then she burst into tears
and sobbed and sobbed. 
Finally she recovered enough to say she was
scared of first grade. I hadn't realized....." - Tara
When children are having a hard time, their feelings usually explode at the people with whom they feel safe -- Us! It's natural for us to get angry, reprimand, tell them to behave, or send them off to calm down. But when kids act rude and belligerent, they aren't trying to give us a hard time. They're trying to send us an SOS.
If we respond by yelling, threatening, or sending them away to "calm down," we shut the door they've opened, and leave them to struggle on their own. Of course, your child's belligerence might look more like a mine field than an open door! But it's the best she can do at the moment, and who ever said parenting was easy? Here's how to navigate that minefield of belligerence.
1. Remind yourself that your child is sending you an SOS. Naturally, you get triggered when your child is rude to you. If you can take a deep breath and stay calm, you're modeling a critical skill for your child: self-regulation. Kids learn much more from what we do than what we say. If your default tone is respectful, that will be your child's default tone as well.
2. Give a gentle reminder that his tone is hurtful. But instead of a reprimand, acknowledge that he must be hurting and invite him to talk about it: "Ouch! You must be so upset to speak to me that way...What's going on, Sweetie?"
3. Be prepared for the dam to break. Your child's response to your kind invitation to talk will probably be to unleash a torrent of upset in your direction. You'll get an earful about all the reasons her life is terrible, unfair, unbearable -- and maybe even that it's all your fault! Now's the time to use the time honored parenting mantra: Don't take it personally! We all say things we don't mean when we're upset. What she needs you to hear is how upset she is.
4. Empathize. I know. He yells at you, and you're supposed to empathize? But that's what helps him feel those emotions, which is what heals them. "Oh, Sweetie...No wonder you're upset...I see..." Resist the urge to talk him out of his feelings or minimize them. Of course, he's over-reacting. He's been storing up a lot of upsets. Your compassion is what makes it safe enough for him to feel them and let them go.
5. Listen, so she can sort out solutions. As she calms down, your child may think of some solutions. They may be terrific: "Can I walk to school with Emily tomorrow?" Your response? "What a great idea! Anything else we can do?"
Or her ideas may be not so terrific: "I don't need to go to first grade...I'll just stay home!" Your response? "Hmm...I hear you'd rather stay home....school feels scary to you right now...Let's think of some other ideas that might help.... What else could we do?"
It's fine to offer ideas, but manage your anxiety so you don't steamroll your child. This problem solving process is how she builds confidence and competence.
6. Later, help him reflect on what happened. This develops emotional intelligence, by actually laying down neural circuits in the brain that allow your child to better manage his emotions. So summon up your compassion and sense of humor, and offer a gentle conversation opener: "I've been working hard to stay calm lately....But it wasn't easy for me to stay calm when you were so upset today....At first I felt hurt...Then I saw all those big feelings! I'm so glad you told me about ..." Of course, if you scold or demand an apology, your child resists. If, instead, you state your own experience and help him explore his, he'll have the empowering opportunity to see how he affects others. And you may be surprised to see him offer a heartfelt apology, a thank you, or an "I love you!"
Yes, this takes more work than sending your child to her room. But as you repeat this process throughout her childhood, your child learns emotional intelligence, empathy and problem-solving skills. You deepen your relationship with her. Finally, she realizes that she doesn't have to yell to be heard. And so do you!
Finally she recovered enough to say she was
scared of first grade. I hadn't realized....." - TaraWhen children are having a hard time, their feelings usually explode at the people with whom they feel safe -- Us! It's natural for us to get angry, reprimand, tell them to behave, or send them off to calm down. But when kids act rude and belligerent, they aren't trying to give us a hard time. They're trying to send us an SOS.
If we respond by yelling, threatening, or sending them away to "calm down," we shut the door they've opened, and leave them to struggle on their own. Of course, your child's belligerence might look more like a mine field than an open door! But it's the best she can do at the moment, and who ever said parenting was easy? Here's how to navigate that minefield of belligerence.
1. Remind yourself that your child is sending you an SOS. Naturally, you get triggered when your child is rude to you. If you can take a deep breath and stay calm, you're modeling a critical skill for your child: self-regulation. Kids learn much more from what we do than what we say. If your default tone is respectful, that will be your child's default tone as well.
2. Give a gentle reminder that his tone is hurtful. But instead of a reprimand, acknowledge that he must be hurting and invite him to talk about it: "Ouch! You must be so upset to speak to me that way...What's going on, Sweetie?"
3. Be prepared for the dam to break. Your child's response to your kind invitation to talk will probably be to unleash a torrent of upset in your direction. You'll get an earful about all the reasons her life is terrible, unfair, unbearable -- and maybe even that it's all your fault! Now's the time to use the time honored parenting mantra: Don't take it personally! We all say things we don't mean when we're upset. What she needs you to hear is how upset she is.
4. Empathize. I know. He yells at you, and you're supposed to empathize? But that's what helps him feel those emotions, which is what heals them. "Oh, Sweetie...No wonder you're upset...I see..." Resist the urge to talk him out of his feelings or minimize them. Of course, he's over-reacting. He's been storing up a lot of upsets. Your compassion is what makes it safe enough for him to feel them and let them go.
5. Listen, so she can sort out solutions. As she calms down, your child may think of some solutions. They may be terrific: "Can I walk to school with Emily tomorrow?" Your response? "What a great idea! Anything else we can do?"
Or her ideas may be not so terrific: "I don't need to go to first grade...I'll just stay home!" Your response? "Hmm...I hear you'd rather stay home....school feels scary to you right now...Let's think of some other ideas that might help.... What else could we do?"
It's fine to offer ideas, but manage your anxiety so you don't steamroll your child. This problem solving process is how she builds confidence and competence.
6. Later, help him reflect on what happened. This develops emotional intelligence, by actually laying down neural circuits in the brain that allow your child to better manage his emotions. So summon up your compassion and sense of humor, and offer a gentle conversation opener: "I've been working hard to stay calm lately....But it wasn't easy for me to stay calm when you were so upset today....At first I felt hurt...Then I saw all those big feelings! I'm so glad you told me about ..." Of course, if you scold or demand an apology, your child resists. If, instead, you state your own experience and help him explore his, he'll have the empowering opportunity to see how he affects others. And you may be surprised to see him offer a heartfelt apology, a thank you, or an "I love you!"
Yes, this takes more work than sending your child to her room. But as you repeat this process throughout her childhood, your child learns emotional intelligence, empathy and problem-solving skills. You deepen your relationship with her. Finally, she realizes that she doesn't have to yell to be heard. And so do you!
I'm not sayin' I agree with this article for every situation but let me just break down yesterday to you. . .the kids get home from school and I suggest we go to a local park. Trinity has some difficulty following my instructions. She accuses me of yelling (I so wasn't). I remain calm but firmly inform her that if she keeps it up she will know what real yelling is. (mature response right?) She continues getting ready when I hear an under-the-breath "just try it" or something like that. B-U-S-T-E-D. I inform her she can go to bed a half hour early as sassing and disrespect are not allowed. On we go to the park where she continues to have a whiney-accusatory tone so much so that a nearby person working on their yard stops what they are doing and watches my little darling. I ignore the person and continue to speak calmly to Trinity; I make her aware that she is making a spectacle of herself and she does seem a little mortified that other people have noticed her 'tude. (STEP 1) She stalks away only to return a few minutes later with a quiet apology. What? well, that's a good start. We head home and the rest of the evening goes okay except that I do still have to put her to bed early so when I tuck her in she asks why she has to go early so we go back over her actions and where she went wrong (STEP 2). Of course she begins crying and saying "I didn't want to do it". I express sympathy (STEP 4) and tell her about Paul who also seemed to do what he didn't want to do. She was surprised by that but suddenly burst into fresh tears and completely melted down saying "I just love Jesus and I want to see him but I love my family and I love being here and I don't want to go to heaven yet and I can't go to heaven without my white blankey!!!!!" (STEP 3) Okay, I listen (STEP 5) and reassure her that I had the same concerns as a child but I am still here all grown up with my own family and that it was nothing to worry about yet. It touched my heart that she has such deep thoughts about her spirituality and her relationship with God. Again, completely reminding me of myself at that age. I once stood on my front lawn arms raised to the heavens because I was sure I had heard trumpets and Jesus was returning. I'm not kidding. In the end this took waaaayy wayyyyyyyyyy longer than just tucking her in and saying good night but it's obvious she had pent up emotions. Whether she was really concerned about heaven or just had a really long day and that's what she latched onto I'm not sure but I was so happy I took the time to break it down with her. Whew. Just hope I don't have to do it every day. God is so good to provide me with timely insights. I love how He brings books and articles my way that meet a need. I total believe it is Him. I feel like I have made some progress in the parenting realm. Never perfect, but always trying. Intentional. Now I am exhausted and going to bed. =)
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