The Long Hard Way

This last week has been a real parenting challenge. On Wednesday Trinity called from school not feeling well. I had a feeling it was an upswing of her anxiety symptoms, which she has had off and on since second grade. I never know what triggers them or what resolves them. Her last period of health issues was in the the fall. We were ready to take her to the doctor for blood-work when they resolved themselves as they have a way of doing. After returning from Dallas she began experiencing them again. Maybe she has separation anxiety from being away from Amie. =) So Wednesday I pick her up a little early. Thursday she calls at ten a.m. wanting to come home. I tell the school secretary to encourage her to make it through the day, which she does. Thursday night she is a stress-ball mess and can't seem to snap out of it so we make a deal. She can stay home Friday if I get a doctors appt. and if she finishes and turns in a paper due that day. Friday she sees the doc and gets a blood draw to run some labs. Handles it like a champ. Other than the doctors appt, she doesn't leave the kitchen table until she finishes the paper, barely in time to take into her teacher. We take the paper in and play on the playground. She is pleased with herself for bringing it in and enjoyed the surprised response of her teacher. Friday evening goes pretty well. Saturday afternoon I have finally had it with Blake's contrariness and I have to give him a long time-out on my bed because Isaac is sleeping. He proceeds to rip all the covers off and ignore me when I come up to talk with him about it. So he receives another time out to calm down. This time (I think, I don't know for sure because I wasn't in there and he isn't fessing up) he whacks my wedding band on the nightstand with the alarm clock and breaks a small diamond off. That did not make me happy, but we were able to talk through how it was wrong to act in anger (I hope he got the gist about the ring even though we were discussing he prior behavior) and how he needed to respect me with his words and actions. Earlier in the week the neighbors had nicely offered to watch the kids. So after an afternoon of doing it the "long, hard, but better" way of disciplining my children, Trinity goes into a full meltdown when she is told to head to the neighbors.  I was already worn out from calmly handling Blake's disrespect. It took all my focus to be firm but kind with Trinity. Needless to say we had to set boundaries for her. She couldn't call the shots for the whole family. We heard her out and expressed our sympathy but made it clear she still had to go. It took forty minutes of this after dropping the boys off. We end up with barely enough time to get to the theater for the movie we had planned and no time to eat dinner. I had veggies for lunch at 11:30 so you can guess how hungry I was. Blah. She made it through the evening but returned home angry with us and physically upset. Sunday was better although we didn't go anywhere that really pushed her.
On Sunday I took a long time out while Isaac was napping, I put her on my lap and we discussed what had happened the night before and how it would no longer be an option to act that way. She seemed much calmer and logical. Monday she went to school without much fuss and I was able to talk to the school counselor. He approached it from the perspective that he only sees these issues in really loving families, so that's a good thing. It's almost like separation anxiety. I shared her struggles with a few friends who joined in prayer and I really feel God has changed her attitude in a short time. She has not asked to stay home or complained of stomach troubles these past three days. Nobody  likes to see their child struggling, but learning that fine line of boundaries and empathy can be quite the tightrope and going through this these past few years with Trinity is really growing me. On Tuesday we received all her results and everything is just fine. No Celiacs, no thyroid issues, no anemia, even her vitamin D levels were within normal range. She began a group time at school today with other fourth graders who are "worriers". She described it as "awesome". lo. I think the group will be helpful to get her through the end of the year. It's good for her to know that worry can be normal but anxiety and panic are not, and to gain tips on how to deal with that worry before it manifests physically. We talked about God calming our fears when we pray and I'm going to print out a few verses for her room. When I paint her desk I want to get a plexiglass top for it so she can put pictures and verses under it to remind her of good things. As much as her changed outlook has been a blessing I was struck again by her other major struggle, focusing on schoolwork.
 It took her two hours yesterday to do what could be done in one. It tries every thread of patience in her father and I to work with her on it and see her staring for the umpteenth time at the wall when she is supposed to be writing or solving equations. I told Jeremy that at her next well-check in July she WILL be doing the Vanderbuilt scale which is apparently the first step to seeing if she has ADD/ADHD. I really do think I could make a big effect by changing her diet alone but I haven't yet researched what that might look like. The level of stress she causes herself with her struggle to focus could surely be the source of her issues all by it's lonesome. I can't imagine how I would berate myself or feel futile when I know perfectly well I am not completing what I should in the time my peers can and do each and every day. If this is part of the problem I need to get on it so it becomes a thing of the past. "Trinity, remember what fourth grade was like? so difficult to focus? Hasn't fifth grade been a completely different story??" (Yes, insert motherly fantasy here) Lastly, I have still been putting Blake in immediate time out when he is contrary. He says "why are you being so HARSH with me?" I thought that was a funny word choice. Rather mature for a six year old. Okay I am getting tired out from typing all this but I wanted to journal it so I would remember and it helps to align it with some of the goals of this years' earlier posts. Being thankful for the challenges Trinity brings. I'm thankful that I have had to be an oasis of calm when she is in the storm of emotion. It grows me spiritually, exponentially. And for Blake, teaching him about Honor and Respect; well it's an ongoing process of course. I'm not sure we've made any breakthroughs yet but some things take time, and tons of re-iterating! As mother's day approaches I want to be mindful to think about my story as a mother, to share it; to appreciate it. Every mother is struggling with something. There is no perfect parenting style, no perfect parent, no perfect child. Just a lot of trial and error, goals and dreams, failures and victories, and each day I get to say "I love you" to three amazing little people who call me Mom. It's the long hard way that's somehow still too short.